Saturday, Notre Dame's players will take the field against Michigan's players. Michigan has had many student athletes over the years. Some former players were skilled entrepreneurs, and were budding street pharmacists during their playing days.
Others frown on such petty business enterprises, and like Barney Stinson,
are international businessmen. Others fought the law (the law won).
are international businessmen. Others fought the law (the law won).
Michigan's quarterback from two years back was quite fabulous in his own right.
and always went into games wearing the full armor of God. Feel free to browse the family website detailing the glorious careers of the might Forcier clan. And remember,
He stated it was 'almost impossible to fail out while playing football at Michigan', and proceeded to become academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, then fail out of Michigan, then fail out of San Jose State, and finally get cut by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.
“when defenses are raising hell,
and emotions are sky high,
we salute those who score TDs.
And those who are willing to try."
He stated it was 'almost impossible to fail out while playing football at Michigan', and proceeded to become academically ineligible for the Gator Bowl, then fail out of Michigan, then fail out of San Jose State, and finally get cut by the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.
Other Michigan players have also embraced the medium of cyberspace. For example, Marques Slocum gave football fans around the country a glimpse into the life of the Michigan athlete, including the exciting news that this Michigan Man(tm) and Kinesiology student had discovered a new great cat: the FUCK LION (perhaps discovered in Mr. Slocum's hometown of Philadelphia).
The opportunity to be included in such hallowed company is a gift beyond measure. Just ask Michigan QB Chad Henne.
1969: Michigan wins the Big 10 but then loses the Rose Bowl to USC 10-3
1970: Michigan is 9-0 heading into Ohio State but comes up short 20-9
1971: Michigan is 11-0 and facing heavy underdog Stanford in the Rose Bowl: 13-12 Stanford
1972: 10-0 heading into OSU: 14-11 Buckeyes
1973: 10-0 and Michigan has Ohio State at home: 10-10 tie and the conference athletic directors vote to send the Buckeyes to the Rose Bowl
1974: 10-0 heading into Columbus: 12-10 Buckeyes
1975: 8-0-2 and have OSU at home: 21-14 OSU. But good news, the Big 10 now allows other Big 10 teams to go to a bowl. 14-6 Oklahoma over Michigan in the Orange Bowl
1976: Inexplicable 16-14 loss to Purdue, but Michigan finally gets by Ohio State and goes to the Rose Bowl. Oh goody: 14-6 USC
1977: Another dumb conference loss, this one 16-0 to Minnesota. But they beat the Buckeyes and they're back in the Rose Bowl and a huge favorite over 7-4 Washington, so finally Michigan's going to win the Rose Bowl. Oops: 27-20 Washington
1978: This time the conference gag is against MSU but the Wolves beat the Bucks again and are back in the Rose Bowl. Same song, 18th verse: 17-10 USC
1979: Michigan has Devine's worst team in Ann Arbor and the Wolves have already tuned up on Northwestern and it's ND's opener. No matter, Bob Crable blocks a game-winning FG attempt and ND wins 12-10. 8-3 Michigan finally gets an easy bowl opponent, UNC in the Gator Bowl. Thanks for playing Bo: 17-15 UNC.
1980: Finally Michigan wins a Rose Bowl (over Washington). But a 51-yard FG by Harry Oliver beats UM in ND stadium. The next week the stunned Wolves also lose to South Carolina, removing them from NC consideration.
1981: Bo finally beats ND (Faust's 5-6 team) and beats UCLA in a bowl game. The bad news? It's the Bluebonnet Bowl.
1982: Bo gets beat by Faust but still makes it to the Rose Bowl at 8-3 and plays UCLA. UCLA wins of course, 24-14.
1983: Good news: ND's off the schedule for Bo. Bad news, they have to play Washington again and lose 27-25. 9-2 Michigan gets invited to the Sugar Bowl where they lose to Auburn 9-7. Bo has now managed to lose 3 of the then-Big 4 bowls.
1984: Michigan flops around to a 6-5 record and then makes history as the weakest opponent ever in a bowl game for a national championship team as BYU gets by them 24-17 to claim the NC even though BYU would've been a 2-touchdown underdog to either Oklahoma or Nebraska.
1985: A conference loss to Iowa and a tie with Illinois keeps UM out of the Rose Bowl and NC consideration. UM does beat Nebraska in the Fiesta Bowl.
1986: Familiar scene. ND is jobbed by a bad call as the game-winning TD is ruled out of bounds. UM somehow loses to Minnesota in Ann Arbor but still makes it to the Rose Bowl where the Wolves lose 22-15 to ASU. ASU is now the 5th Pac 8 or 10 team to beat Bo's teams in the Rose Bowl.
1987: Lou drills UM 26-7 in Ann Arbor. Michigan suffers 3 more losses to go 8-4.
1988: Gillette's miss allows ND to win 19-17 setting up ND's 12-0 season. UM does finally manage to win the Rose Bowl over USC. ND defeats both participants in the Rose Bowl during the regular season.
1989: Rocket runs back two kickoffs and Michigan loses 24-19. Michigan plays well and wins the next 10 before losing the Rose Bowl to USC. ND beats both participants in the Rose Bowl, again.
And thus concludes Bo's career. Later on, coverage of his funeral by Anderson Cooper of CNN was a very touching affair.
Fortunately, Mr. Rodriguez's new recruits have shown little inclination to do something so foolish as to make it rain with $80,000 cash in a Vegas strip club during the NBA All-Star weekend.
Mr. Rodriguez's aggresive spirit and mindless pursuit of opposing teams will be greatly missed. You see, three years ago Michigan didn't have a very good season. Yes, they beat Notre Dame. But they lost five of their last seven regular season games in horrific fashion, including a 30 point depantsing by the Ohio State University. Coach Rodriguez's job was on the line as the team banquet occurred with a Gator Bowl against Mississippi State on the horizon. He desperately wanted to gain the confidence of the Michigan faithful. To rouse them to his side once more. He made the worst choice possible. He broke down crying while reading Josh Groban lyrics, then linked arms with his coaching staff and the rest of the team as the PA system pumped the song You Raise Me Up into a room full of bewildered Michighan alumni. They were stunned. And Josh Groban himself? Well, he had a suggestion for Mr. Rodriguez.
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| Ow. |
Sure, he may be a joke, but he loved every minute of football at Michigan. Largely because he was free of Wyomissing, PA's pyschotic football coach Jim Cantafio (for betamax entertainment, start at around the 1:25 mark).
He may have won no Heisman Trophies. And he may have won no national championships. But he had been QB at Michigan. And it made him famous. in fact, in his senior year, 2007, he was poised to enter the NFL and become the most famous person ever born in Wyomissing, Pennsylvania.
Until a girl named Taylor came along
and blew those dreams
straight to Hell
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| Unsurprisingly, Hell is located in Michigan. |
I assume this town has a large number of Michigan fans. Fans who once supported Michigan's leaders and best, like Gary 'Three Tie' Moeller.
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| Three ties in one single season. |
whose 1995 visit to Excalibur restaurant in Southfield, Michigan, is the stuff of legend:
The accounts depict a 54-year-old man loosed of all self-control, smashing drink glasses on his table, singing loudly and attempting to dance with women after his wife, Ann, left the restaurant to wait for him in their car. By the time police arrived at 10:16, the table at which the Moellers were seated had been served a dozen drinks. After punching an officer in the chest, Moeller was arrested and charged with disorderly conduct and assault and battery, to which he pleaded no contest on Monday. But it was a tape recording police made of Moeller at nearby Providence Hospital, where they took him for fear he was suffering from alcohol poisoning, that shows a man alternately abusive, tearful, incoherent and relentlessly vulgarity”and that ultimately forced him to resign the next day from his $130,000-a-year coaching job, which he had held for five years.
Copies of this audio tape were on sale for a month afterward in Columbus, Ohio.
But Michigan has had its great coaches as well. Let's look at the record of their legendary leader, Bo Schembechler!
But Michigan has had its great coaches as well. Let's look at the record of their legendary leader, Bo Schembechler!
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| Seen here displaying his national championship rings |
His accomplishments, season by season, follow.
1969: Michigan wins the Big 10 but then loses the Rose Bowl to USC 10-3
1970: Michigan is 9-0 heading into Ohio State but comes up short 20-9
1971: Michigan is 11-0 and facing heavy underdog Stanford in the Rose Bowl: 13-12 Stanford
1972: 10-0 heading into OSU: 14-11 Buckeyes
1973: 10-0 and Michigan has Ohio State at home: 10-10 tie and the conference athletic directors vote to send the Buckeyes to the Rose Bowl
1974: 10-0 heading into Columbus: 12-10 Buckeyes
1975: 8-0-2 and have OSU at home: 21-14 OSU. But good news, the Big 10 now allows other Big 10 teams to go to a bowl. 14-6 Oklahoma over Michigan in the Orange Bowl
1976: Inexplicable 16-14 loss to Purdue, but Michigan finally gets by Ohio State and goes to the Rose Bowl. Oh goody: 14-6 USC
1977: Another dumb conference loss, this one 16-0 to Minnesota. But they beat the Buckeyes and they're back in the Rose Bowl and a huge favorite over 7-4 Washington, so finally Michigan's going to win the Rose Bowl. Oops: 27-20 Washington
1978: This time the conference gag is against MSU but the Wolves beat the Bucks again and are back in the Rose Bowl. Same song, 18th verse: 17-10 USC
1979: Michigan has Devine's worst team in Ann Arbor and the Wolves have already tuned up on Northwestern and it's ND's opener. No matter, Bob Crable blocks a game-winning FG attempt and ND wins 12-10. 8-3 Michigan finally gets an easy bowl opponent, UNC in the Gator Bowl. Thanks for playing Bo: 17-15 UNC.
1980: Finally Michigan wins a Rose Bowl (over Washington). But a 51-yard FG by Harry Oliver beats UM in ND stadium. The next week the stunned Wolves also lose to South Carolina, removing them from NC consideration.
1981: Bo finally beats ND (Faust's 5-6 team) and beats UCLA in a bowl game. The bad news? It's the Bluebonnet Bowl.
1982: Bo gets beat by Faust but still makes it to the Rose Bowl at 8-3 and plays UCLA. UCLA wins of course, 24-14.
1983: Good news: ND's off the schedule for Bo. Bad news, they have to play Washington again and lose 27-25. 9-2 Michigan gets invited to the Sugar Bowl where they lose to Auburn 9-7. Bo has now managed to lose 3 of the then-Big 4 bowls.
1984: Michigan flops around to a 6-5 record and then makes history as the weakest opponent ever in a bowl game for a national championship team as BYU gets by them 24-17 to claim the NC even though BYU would've been a 2-touchdown underdog to either Oklahoma or Nebraska.
1985: A conference loss to Iowa and a tie with Illinois keeps UM out of the Rose Bowl and NC consideration. UM does beat Nebraska in the Fiesta Bowl.
1986: Familiar scene. ND is jobbed by a bad call as the game-winning TD is ruled out of bounds. UM somehow loses to Minnesota in Ann Arbor but still makes it to the Rose Bowl where the Wolves lose 22-15 to ASU. ASU is now the 5th Pac 8 or 10 team to beat Bo's teams in the Rose Bowl.
1987: Lou drills UM 26-7 in Ann Arbor. Michigan suffers 3 more losses to go 8-4.
1988: Gillette's miss allows ND to win 19-17 setting up ND's 12-0 season. UM does finally manage to win the Rose Bowl over USC. ND defeats both participants in the Rose Bowl during the regular season.
1989: Rocket runs back two kickoffs and Michigan loses 24-19. Michigan plays well and wins the next 10 before losing the Rose Bowl to USC. ND beats both participants in the Rose Bowl, again.
And thus concludes Bo's career. Later on, coverage of his funeral by Anderson Cooper of CNN was a very touching affair.
Next came the Lloyd Carr years, which featured Michigan 's first National Championship in a half century during the 1997, which they had to share with Nebraska. Carr's career also featured a string of three-loss seasons and the depantsing at the hands of Appalachian State, covered earlier this week.
Then the Michigan Men(tm) turned to an outsider as their savior. Mr. Rich Rodriguez of West, by God, Virginia. Also known as
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| I would go into a discourse on stereotypes here, but I've already gone far tooo long for one day. |
Marques Slocum of Fuck Lion fame (see supra) transfered out ahead of Rich Rod, who came to Ann Arbor in a hurry, stopping only to shred all the strength and conditioning records relating to the West Virginia football program on the way out the door. Detractors say this is evidence his staff was putting the health of his players at risk by using performance enhancing steroids. The Rodriguez camp pointed out that with the records shredded, there was no longer any evidence of anything. So in came Rich Rod, a coach renowned for bringing young men of the highest quality and lowest moral fibre to play for him at West Virginia. Included among these is Adam "Pac Man" Jones, who holds records in a number of states. I culd not find his athletic records, but his other records are summarized here
And footage from his most noteworthy record-setting night is viewable here (warning: may be slightly NSFW)
Fortunately, Mr. Rodriguez's new recruits have shown little inclination to do something so foolish as to make it rain with $80,000 cash in a Vegas strip club during the NBA All-Star weekend.
But in an effort to keep the program full of entrepreneurs and high-profile characters after law enforcement unfairly forced other players (Jones, Cissoko, et. al) to relocate to gated communities (prisons), Mr. Rodriguez did his best to keep the spirit of entrepreneurship in his program strong
Unfortunately, the University of Michigan felt Mr. Dorsey's 2.5 G.P.A. and 18 on the ACT weren't quite good enough for the school, even though, as Coach Rodriguez pointed out, he had never been convicted of any crime!
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| Also not convicted of any crime until sent to jail for tax evasion. |
Mr. Rodriguez's aggresive spirit and mindless pursuit of opposing teams will be greatly missed. You see, three years ago Michigan didn't have a very good season. Yes, they beat Notre Dame. But they lost five of their last seven regular season games in horrific fashion, including a 30 point depantsing by the Ohio State University. Coach Rodriguez's job was on the line as the team banquet occurred with a Gator Bowl against Mississippi State on the horizon. He desperately wanted to gain the confidence of the Michigan faithful. To rouse them to his side once more. He made the worst choice possible. He broke down crying while reading Josh Groban lyrics, then linked arms with his coaching staff and the rest of the team as the PA system pumped the song You Raise Me Up into a room full of bewildered Michighan alumni. They were stunned. And Josh Groban himself? Well, he had a suggestion for Mr. Rodriguez.
And a day after Rich Rodriguez lost yet another game, a 52-14 stomping by an ag school from Mississippi, Michigan fired him. But he's doing alright. Some people (Buckeyes) still love him
And he now works for CBS Sports as an analyst, though once in a while he has an awkward moment. Like a live interview of his replacement (go to the 1:30 mark, and then the 3:30 mark, for maximum awkward content).
Which is why we wil not have the joy of facing him at the helm of Michigan football, unlike other coaches we have battled with in the past in the more spectacular games of the series. But more on that, and the Michigan Men who never had the honor of donning the pads to play for the Maize and Blue, tomorrow.
Backer Song of the Day:
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