Please accept my apologies. this post was originally scheduled for tomorrow. But the actions of this man
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| Southern Cal's athletic director. |
Friends, meet Lane Kiffin:
A.K.A. Kiffykins, A.K.A. Paris of Troy, A.K.A. Hello Kiffin,
A.K.A. Lane Fucking Kiffin,
A.K.A. Kato Kaelin with a headset (according to the Washington Post)
A.K.A. Goatboy
A.K.A. Dexter.
Now, why is he so hated? Well, there are a number of reasons. For simplicity's sake, I will go in chronological order. He is a 1998 graduate of Fresno State with a degree in Leisure Services Management. What does this qualify him for? Well, aside from running a golf course in Nevada or a dingy hotel in Chino, not much. however, his father is famed NFL defensive guru Monte Kiffin,
so he received a job as Assistant Coach at Southern Cal. While there, this holder of a leisure services degree met and married this woman:
Then, based once again on his father's work and the cheating at Southern Cal, he was given another job, as head coach of the Oakland Raiders:
Under the management of Al Davis, he amassed a 5-15 record as head coach of the Raiders before a spectacular firing at the hands of Mr. Davis, who everyone agreed at the time was batshit insane. Fans were treated to the following firing:
For reasons known only to God, the University of Tennessee promptly hired him as head football coach. He made quite a splash, putting up images of Southern Cal greats Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart in the Tennessee football offices,
Ed. note: no, that doesn't make sense to me either.
and replacing a number of UT traditions with things which seeped into his skull at Southern Cal (use of the word "learned" purposely avoided here, as I believe he has the intellect of a rutabega- EDs). He proceeded to turn Urban Meyer in for a recruiting violation regarding recruit Nu'keese Richardson:
Unfortunately for Mr. Kiffin, Mr. Meyer's actions were not a violation, but Mr. Kiffin's actions were a violation of SEC conference rules. Mr. Kiffin apologized the next day, accepted Mr. Richardson to his recruiting class, but lost the recruit for the season after his arrest on armed robbery charges:
His recruiting prowess didn't work as well on another recruit, Alshon Jeffrey. Kiffykin's pitch closed with the line "If you go to South Carolina, you'll spend the rest of your life "pumping gas".
Please note that Mr. Jeffrey is now a starting wide receiver for the Chicago Bears.
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| Yeah, pump that gas! |
Tajh Boyd responded to this by going to Clemson. He is now their starting quarterback, and has led the team to a #3 ranking. Good job, good effort, Mr. Kiffin.
Mr. Kiffin, though, refused to let this failure get him down, and continued being a marginally successful football coach, while remaining immensely successful at cheating on his wife(pictured above)
And getting drunk and crashing cars while in the process of cheating on his wife.
http://bumpshack.com/2010/01/
However, it's not what Mr. Kiffin did at his place of employment that really sets him apart. It's how he left. With next to no notice, in the middle of the night, after one year of coaching, while trying to bring half of Tennessee's recruiting class with him. Vol fans could have used these in the immediate aftermath:
but settled for either running straight to the centre of campus
Or, somewhere in eastern Tennessee (If my judgment of Tennessee accents is correct), burning things:
Once safely ensconced at Southern Cal, far away from millions of Tennesseans who wish him severe bodily harm, Kiffin assembled a staff, which in some cases involved poaching members of the staff of Nashville's Tennessee Titans. The Titans have since sued,
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/
and Mr. Kiffin is likely now the most hated man in the state of Tennessee since Abraham Lincoln.
Meanwhile, Notre Dame played Lane Kiffin's Southern Cal team in Los Angeles, and despite four turnovers, defeated the Trojans for the first time in nine years, thanks largely to shoddy coaching by Lane Kiffin. His reaction was as follows:
Unfortunately, Mr. Kiffin's team managed to defeat the Irish and several other good teams in 2011, setting up the Trojans as a preseason #1, with Matt Barkley as a Heisman candidate. The team disappointed mightily, with losses to Stanford, Oregon, Arizona, and the University of California (Los Angeles). Along the way, there have been the usual fiascoes for a guy who looks like, well,
you get the picture.
He attempted to ban reporters from practice for daring to ask questions about injuries.
Bomani Jones labeled his behavior in the 50-6 drubbing of Colorado as Despicably genius.
And then, well, there was the deflation fiasco
Covered here by Taiwanese animators.
And keeping one of his receivers in the game after said receiver suffered a concussion:
He was the last line of defense for those who wanted ND kept out of the National Championship game. Of course, he let them down with quite possibly the worst goal line play calling I have ever seen:
And that's when the movement to
really picked up. But matters didn't come to a head until Arizona State opened the floodgates and dropped 62 points on the Trojans in Tempe last month. The Sun Devils even showed mercy, sitting on the ball at the end of the game rather than go for another touchdown. This marked the first time ASU football players had passed on scoring 69.
Pat Haden responded to this depantsing by firing Lane Kiffin at Los Angeles International Airport in a 45 minute meeting at 4 AM. Followed by tossing his stuff off the team bus and making Kiffin drive himself home. No word on whether Haden cleared the move with SC's crack legal department:
It was a moment of great sadness for Mr. Kiffin
and vindication for the great state of Tennessee:
Ahhhhh. Yes it is, Vols. Yes it is.
More on Southern Cal's current coach tomorrow. Until then, good news! The forecast for Saturday is back down to 38 F.
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