Picksburg Friday

Friends, 

an exciting week of college football is already underway!  First came a Baylor-Oklahoma matchup.  Oklahoma kept Baylor coach Art Briles

Seen here attempting to bribe reporters with shiny things

Picksburg Thursdy

Good morning, alls n'at. I hope everyone's Tuesdy went woll as we press on toward da Picksburg game. Now, Picksburg may not be ranked this year.  In fact, they got absolutely annihilated by Florida State to open the season.  But they have had excellent squads in previous years, expecially in da late 1970s. Tony Dorsett led dem on several title hunts, wit this man doone much of his blocking:

Picksburg Wendsy

Everyone, 

 

after Saturday, I'm still Victory Dancin':

 

But now, more Picksburg:

 

Alls right, alls of you, it's only four days until da picksburg game n'at. Time to git prepared n'at. Now, if yer goin ta picksburg tahn, it means a couple of tings n'at. First, it means that da bars will be overrun wit a large number of people from Al cahny county wearing Pitt gear. Some ovum will have "Yinzer" tattooed on their necks (I swear ahz not making this up). They will request "Sweet Caroline" several times both Frydy and Sadurdy evening. hauscome, I have no idea n'at. 

   Second, it means we've reached cole weather games n'at. derefore, it's time to go aht and git yinzes cole weather gear, such as long pants. I will be deploying my favorite gameday long pants fer Sadurdy's game, annay are a sight to behold. As fer da rest of you, I suggest yinz go aht and buy some if yer goin to da burg. Now, while some of yinz may prefer da Gap, and others Abercrombie, or perhaps Nordstrom or Sears, fer da picksburg game, da best place to go is Pants N'at. jest listen to their ad here:

annair new slogan, which was da winning entry in da attached contest:

More on picksburg, it's football team, and notable alumni, later in da week n'at. Prepare fer an appearance by da Blind Oracle of Bristol n'at.

-Andy Mathews

P.S.  If anyone requires a translation back to English, please let me know. 

Picksburg Tuesdy

 Dear Alla Yinz,

  I'd like to welcome you to Pittsburgh week n'at.  Gawd, it wuz grate to beat da Navy and put their gutchies in a twist, and now we're prolly gonna beat da team from da Burgh.

  You're probably wondering what the heck I just typed.  Well, that's an introduction to Pittsburghese, a language spoken in several entire counties, including Allegheny county, which encompasses Pittsburgh, home of most of the visiting fans which will grace us with their presence.  A partial pronunciation guide can be found here.

  Now, while the dictionary is handy, it still leaves to the imagination exactly what these newfangled words sound like.  Fortunately, there are some audio clips for your perusal, linked here:

  And here:

  So enjoy my amateur exploration of sociology, and remember that everyone hates Pitt.  Even people wandering through U.S. Army junkyards in Iraq (see photo)

 

And remember, be happy!  We won a game!  And Louis Nix III is practicing, and will likely play!  Do a little jig if you feel like it!

Picksburg Mundy

Welcome to Picksburg week n'at.

It's time to prepare for fans of the University of Pittsburgh to show up for the game.  Perhaps as much as 60% of Heinz Field will be there to watch their own team.

Navy Wrapup

“A horse, a horse!  My kingdom for a horse!”

                                                -Richard III

For want of a nail the shoe was lost.

For want of a shoe the horse was lost.

For want of a horse the rider was lost.

For want of a rider the message was lost

For want of a message the battle was lost.

For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.

And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.

Major Milestones

Readers:

Today we have two, TWO major milestones!

Ah! Ah! Ah! (cue thunder and lightning)

Today, we clear 6,000 page views for this here blog.  Whoever put it over the top, I thank you.  

We also have our first ever visitor logging in from the People's Republic of China.  I am thrilled, yes thrilled, to have finally penetrated this incredibly lucrative market.  

If only I had something to sell them.

Navy Friday, aka 100 Years

A hundred years.  

Naval Academy Thursday

 All,

 

  Unfortunately, Navy's football team wears gold helmets, the same color as Notre Dame's.  Fortunately, Coach Kelly and the administration anticipated this problem and debuted helmets which are extra gold-y against Southern Cal, and will bring them back on Saturday.  For a video clip of the process, see below:

 

ROLL TAPE

 

  Now, what do we all know quite a bit about Notre Dame's football tradition.  But what about Navy's traditions?

 According to Winston Churchill, the Navy has three great traditions:

 

 

  I am glad that only one of these traditions is popular at Notre Dame.  Meanwhile, I for one look forward to a well played game in which we are favored by 20 points. Hopefully the touchdowns will be many. And if there are personal fouls, remember: Navy's coach thinks personal foul penalties should not be called against his team. 

  Let's kick this guy's can.

 

  -Go Irish

 

 

 

 

 

*Use of this word was not cleared by the Coalition Against Insensitive Nomenclatures

Naval Academy Wednesday

Friends, welcome to Wednesday.  

Naval Academy Tuesday

Good afternoon, everyone.

Naval Academy Monday

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Welcome back to Monday.  There were a number of games this week that went exactly as planned.  Oregon dispatched UCLA with room to spare, making Puddles the Duck's early rising worth it.

Air Force Friday

  Happy Friday, Irish fans! 

  I don't know about you, but I'm shocked at how fast this week has flown by:

Air Force Thursday

 Irish fans,

  Another day, another email about the Air Force Academy as Notre Dame-Southern Cal fades slowly in our rear-view mirror.

Air Force Wednesday

  Everyone:

  Today we start off with a trivia question.  What do Iowa State

Lost 71-7 to Baylor last week.

Air Force Tuesday

  Friends,

  Happy Tuesday.  Yes, it's a work day, and very far from the weekend.  But at least it isn't Monday.  So it has that going for it, which is nice.

Ahhhh, golf.  If you're someplace where it is still warm enough to play,
I envy you. 

Southern Cal Retrospective

10.  Fewer Southern Cal fans than usual came out to South Bend this year.  Unsurprising, as they began the season outside the top 20.  They promptly justified this ranking early in the season with their abominable performance against Hawaii and a loss to Washington State.

Southern Cal Friday: DACOACHO Edition

Hello and good morning once again. Tomorrow, dear friends, we must face

THE ORGERON

 

 

Once he was D-Line coach at Southern Cal, and always willing to rip his shirt off at a moment's notice while sounding as if he is speaking from within a bowl full of gumbo, even when offering hummers to the general public.
 

 

Opinions on the Orgeron are divided.  Some find him distasteful, but entertaining, such as the persons who penned the handy guide "So You're Going to Play for the Orgeron".  Excerpts from this tome include:

Foreward:  So you're going to play for the Orgeron? Well, of course you are, that's why you bought this book. Rest assured you are about to embark on a magical yet perilous journey that will test the very metal of your body, your sanity, and your inner rage. You will enter Orgeronia a fresh-faced lad full of ideas and ambitions, and you will leave a grizzled, mutant sociopath aimlessly wandering the city streets in search of a way to slake your unquenchable thirst for human blood and suffering with overindulgence and sadism...

Chapter One: Preparing Yourself Psychologically for the Orgeron: ...granted, this is a lot of information at once, so we'll try to condense it down to list form. When planning your summer regimen before enrolling, here are some "Do's" and "Don't's" for making yourself mentally ready for Orgeronation:
DO: Dedicate time daily to reflect upon and take deep quasi-sexual pleasure in abject and unnecessary violence wrought upon undeserving bystanders.
DON'T: Get your ear pierced, you fucking pussy. If you insist on doing something to decorate your corpus because you're an attention-craving Sally, get a tattoo. On your ass. Of a naked woman. Then, when they try to charge you after they finish, KO the guy with a flying dragon punch.
DO: Wear your football helmet while performing the physical act of love. Encourage your partner to pull out fistfulls of your hair and burn you with the cigarette lighter thing from your car...
Chapter Eight: Barroom Brawling Techniques and Tips:  ...now we all know that there will be times that we lose games out on the field. But remember that when we carry ourselves with integrity and always give 110%, there's one thing, deep within, that we can never lose. And that one thing is a bar fight. An Orgeron man strives for perfection on the field, off the field, and on top of the pool table while brandishing a broken bottle of Wild Turkey and a splintered and bloodstained pool cue. Just keep these handy tips in mind:
The Nicholls State Nutcracker: A well-rounded maneuver that comes through in the clutch when you're hopelessly outnumbered. As you can see in Figure 1[a], the positioning of your weight-bearing foot is the most integral factor in getting the requisite centrifugal velocity to maximize your crotch-cleaving efforts.
The Syracuse Scissorkick: This move is for experts only. Untrained users shouuld not, I repeat, should not attempt this move, particularly if there is a juke box or pane of glass within fifteen feet of your starting point. For those maverick enough to give it a shot, Figure 2[c] illustrates this complicated yet tragically beautiful weapon...
Others, such as Tulane's football coach, refered to him as "lower than dirt".  WHich may have had something to do with the fact that the Orgeron called his players, asking if any would like to transfer to the school he coached (Ole Miss), while emergency workers were still pulling bodies out of houses in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. 

http://www.fanblogs.com/mississippi/006150.php

He also is an apparent fan of shirtlessness:

He [Orgeron] — and several other Tennessee coaches, apparently — are ripping their shirts off to impress and sway recruits.

The first time he did it in 2005, the act took on a life of its own. Orgeron was fresh off a stint at Southern Cal, and two years earlier, his Trojan defensive line was nicknamed “Wild Bunch II,” — an homage to the 1969 defensive line that was nicknamed after the movie of the same name.

When he got to Ole Miss, the nickname was lost in translation. He tore his shirt off during the first team meeting, and players chanted, “Ole Miss, wild boys … Ole Miss, wild boys … Ole Miss, wild boys.”

It was the stuff of urban legend. It was intended to get the players fired up, but it instead led to many a punch line as time wore on with poor results on the field.

Strangely, it appears that the tactic’s track record will not prevent Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin from using it in his first year at the helm in Knoxville.

With more than 100 players in attendance at the Volunteers’ junior day — a day created for high school juniors to visit and be scouted by coaches — the shirts went flying.

As Markeith Ambles put it to VolQuest, “We were in a dark theater and all of a sudden they turned on the lights and the coaches ripped off their shirts. It was like in the army and it got crunk up in there. Some of the players that were in there did some chants. It got crunk.”

- http://www.selmatimesjournal.com/2009/03/02/despite-assistant-role-orgerons-influence-spreads/#ixzz2i5NWmfY4

See below for visual approximation:

Tennessee fans have harsh words for the Orgeron as well.  You see, in early 2010 he was assistant coach at Tennessee, and had established a top 20 recruiting class.  When offered a large sum of money to coach at Southern Cal, he jumped at the chance to head back to California.  And tried to take some of his Tennessee recruits with him, calling them while they sat in a meeting with their head coach, attempting to convince them to desert Tennessee and come to Southern Cal. The players he targeted, freshmen who had not yet enrolled in school, put the conversation on speakerphone for the upperclassmen in the room, who were not pleased. 

http://www.rockytoptalk.com/2010/1/14/1250764/ed-orgeron-admits-calling

So please.  Let's beat Southern Cal tomorrow so we never have to say we lost to this clown. 

Southern Cal Thursday

Ladies and Gentlemen:

Please accept my apologies.  this post was originally scheduled for tomorrow.  But the actions of this man

Southern Cal's athletic director.

Have forced me to update my timetable.  Friday's subject must be covered today.   Therefore, without further ado, Lane Kiffin Thursday!

Southern Cal Wednesday

 Ladies and Gentlemen,

 

  Three days.  Only three days remain between now and the arrival of Southern Cal's football team.  And their fans, who are Gods among bros.  Conquest Chronicles is looking forward to the game, too.  Just look at that wonderful writing from Mr. Budrovich!

Southern Cal Tuesday

Friends, 

here is our objective for Saturday:

 

Now that I have your attention, we move on to the Southern Cal football team itself. 

Southern Cal Monday

I apologize for the delay, but I'm just so jacked and pumped. 

Former Southern Cal coach Pete Carroll hobnobbing with
the Hollywood elite.

About this week's game that I had to go for a walk around downtown to curtail my excitement.

We are less than a week from the tilt against Southern Cal.  Now, last week I mentioned famous athletes Todd Marinovich and O.J. Simpson.  But don't get to angry at USC for spawning such alumni: not all Southern Cal athletes are thugs and criminals.  Take for example Reginald Bush, who once won the 2005 Heisman Trophy:

  My, Mr. Bush, what a fine suit you have!  And what giant diamond earrings you have!  And what a nice $750,000 house your family has on a public servant's salary!

http://boards.gopherhole.com/boards/showthread.php?t=15340

  Surely you haven't signed with an agent, or violated any NCAA rules, have you?  No?  Oh wait . . .

 

  The man in the bolo tie, seen above with James Brown, gave your family a $750,000 house, and paid you a $100,000 advance, just so you would sign with his budding athletic talent management firm.  But you denied this, even when he recorded conversations with you revealing the conspiracy.  And as for the end result, well, there was this:

http://sports.espn.go.com/los-angeles/ncf/news/story?id=5572827

and this

http://sports.espn.go.com/los-angeles/ncf/news/story?id=5562582

and this: http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/37621070/ns/sports-college_football/

2 year bowl ban.  4 years probation.  30 lost scholarships.  Forfeiture of an entire year's worth of games.  In short, the worst penalty the NCAA has dealt out over violations in football since 1994.  The NCAA certainly taught Southern Cal a lesson to stay on the straight and narrow.  Right?  

But that, my friends, is another story for another day.  Until then, Go Irish. 

Also, the forecast for Saturday night is 38 degrees.  

Southern Cal Friday

  Good afternoon to all of you.  Now, last e-mail, as you recall, we discussed the idiocy and incompetence of Southern Cal's cheerleaders.  And before that, it was the crucial work done by Teague Egan.  Never mind the email bandied about by the Southern Cal Kappa Sigs.  

  But today is not about those people.  Today is about reminding you that a game is coming up and Coach Kelly wants you to be at the game, wearing green, and screaming your head off.  

Southern Cal Thursday

Good morning, Irish fans.  The Southern Cal game comes closer, and it becomes ever more important for us to familiarize ourselves with the players of our upcoming opponent. 

  Anyway, we all know that there have been many famous Southern Cal football players over the years, including Todd Marinovich.

A 3:1 completion:INT ratio will really get the scouts talking.

Southern Cal Wednesday

Happy Southern Cal Wednesday!  We are ten days out from the Southern Cal game, and Ed Orgeron is the coach of the Trojans (more on that later).  How excited am I that this time has finally come?  Well, about this excited:

 

The Right Reverend Houston Nutt.  Surprisingly, a better coach than Ed Orgeron

 
  So yeah, pretty excited. 

 

Southern Cal Tuesday

Friends, yesterday I said I was taking the off-week off.  Well, um, 

And I stole the Leprechaun's hat.

ASU postmortem

  Friends,

  We went down to Dallas, where we faced a team wearing these monstrosities:

ASU Friday

Irish fans:

Tomorrow we face ASU.  Coached by Todd Graham, who is facing Brian Kelly for the third time in four years.  Some of you may be confused at this.  After all, we haven't played ASU in over a decade.  How could he have three games against us?  Well, Mr. Graham has, shall we say, a fear of commitment.

Todd Graham's Valentine's Day card to current girlfriend 2008,
2009, 2010, 2011, 2013

As evidenced by his stint at Tulsa, 2010:

And at Pittsburgh, 2011:

And at ASU in 2011, taking his new job:

  Three schools, three years.  Don't be surprised if Mr. Graham leaves to coach another team sometime in the third quarter.  

Now, what about ASU itself?  They're a team that blows hot and cold.  They racked up 62 points against Southern Cal.  On the other hand, they got crushed in embarrassing fashion by Stanford:

See especially the :22 second mark

Got embarrassed on 'The Simpsons':

And embarrassed on 'The Simpsons' again:

Roll Tape!

And embarrassed by one of their scholarship students appearing in an ahem, independent film.

And embarrassed by one of their cheerleaders appearing in, ahem, over 250 genre-specific films.

Embarrassing all the way round.  So it'll be doubly embarrassing if we lose to them.  So let's beat em.

The band's marching partners tonight.  I wonder if they play O-Line?